I started larping and got my ass kicked in mass battle. Physically bruised all over – not fun. So I called my father to see if he and Jackie might still have my sca armour – no boffer in this world is going to bruise me through -that- stuff. He promised to look and while we were on the phone, we had a little chat and he expressed disapproval of my lifestyle. He reads my comic and the public entries of my livejournal, see. “You keep dating these guys who don’t want a commitment, kid. And nothing’s going to come of it.”
My immediate reaction was an irritated defensiveness and then a so -what-? Who cares! It’s not like I’m looking for anything lasting or anything serious. I’m not seeking support and comfort from another person, right? The whole point is to become a complete and functioning person -alone- without basing that on someone else.
Except I am, I guess. I do want someone special and wonderful who will listen to all my stories and think about me when I’m not around, who will reach the top shelves and put up with my foibles with warmth and humor. (And put out a lot)
Sooo… Why do I keep chasing after these flings that’ll last a few months and then break apart? I -know- they’re flings. Even in the heat of the moment when I’m thoroughly enjoying myself, I know the moment’s passing fast. So… why?
You know what I think? I’m think I’m scared. I think the whole concept chills me straight to the marrow. -No- one in my whole world has ever loved me. Not my mother, not my father, not my lovers. (Mai-chan says she loves me but that’s a recently development. And I choose to ignore it for the sake of self-exploration. <3 Mai-chan!) No one loves me. The first person I ever said I love you to left me two days later (Thanks Matt!) and I think, between you and I, that I’m desperately afraid that the whole Matt thing is going to happen all over again. These little flings, I enjoy them. And when they’re over, I pout and sniffle for a couple weeks… But they don’t -really- cause any lasting damage (except this latest one and that’s because, frankly, the guy’s a complete ass who couldn’t have caused more damage to my self-esteem if he’d tried). I’m over it as soon as something shiny distracts me from my pouting…
But that Matt thing. I don’t know if I can go through that again.