Lousy Weekend

I had a lousy personal weekend. I had a date with this awesome guy I was really excited about which went… really badly wrong. And not for me, for him. I messed it up. I feel so stupid. Then Sunday I got the news that I friend of mine died… and then I logged onto one of those stupid social sites and got the news that an ex of mine has a new girlfriend. That shouldn’t matter, it really shouldn’t… But we’ve kept in touch, we’ve talked all the time, and he kept telling me he wasn’t involved with any ladies… So to log on and get "I’m with someone!" was… a shock. It’s stupid, I’m stupid. And he’s the kind of guy who needs to have a big emotional scene about everything… he majored in sociology and minored in social manipulation. So every time SOMETHING happens between us he can’t just leave me alone to feel kind of down and unhappy, he’s got to drag it all out and talk about it and deal with it under the guise of "helping" … but I don’t deal well so by the end of it it’s always my fault and he’s always pissed off at me.

I’m feeling… just so shabby and beaten up today. I know it’s going to be okay, that I’m overly worked up right now because I’m under so much stress about life and the universe and my college applications and portfolios… I stumble around all the time being desperately afraid I’m not good enough and that’s permeating my life and behaviour sets and messing me up.

Also, I have a Spanish quiz tomorrow I’m unprepared for (and did I mention I’m still scrambling French and Spanish really badly?), my bike gear is in pieces, and I have jury duty on Thursday and don’t know how to deal with missing classes all day. My portfolio is due in one week. I’m still fat and not terribly attractive.

I can’t stop crying like a useless little girl long enough to deal with any of these problems.

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